First Impressions

It's hard to know what to make of first impressions. First of all, they're often based primarily on appearance, which is problematic because appearances can be extremely misleading, especially if you're basing someone's entire personality and quality of character on how they look. On the other hand, sometimes a first impression is all you get, so it's logical that people will assume things quickly about you, even if their evaluations are based on a cursory amount of information or interaction. What's so fascinating are the times when I've completely written off people based on my first impressions of them, and after getting to know them I realized what great people they are. I'm sure that experience resonates with many other people out there. The question is, how often are first impressions correct, or at least pretty close to the mark?

Moral of the story? Do your best to make a first impression, but don't beat yourself up if others don't see the real you after a brief encounter. It's also wise to remember that even if you're not initially enamored with someone after meeting them, at least give them a second chance. It's helpful to have additional evidence before deciding what you think someone is really like.

The "Hello" Game

Today I played a little game: while walking down a narrow corridor at my government office, how many people will make eye contact with me, and better yet, smile or say "hello"?

Out of three people I passed, one made eye contact and said hi--a whopping 33.3%. I'm going to play again next week to try and get a bigger sample size and perhaps some more compelling results.

Three Plus is a Crowd

There's a reason someone came up with the phrase "Three's a crowd"--possibly because, well, it can be. I've never been able to wrap my head--or tastes, perhaps--around certain practices when it comes to getting together with friends. When I think of comfortable reunions with friends or small gatherings, I tend to envision hanging out, maybe over coffee, with my friend to chat and catch up one on one. If a few of us decide to hang out, thhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=4672213590103447155at's also fine, as long as those involved already know each other, and preferably if we all share established friendships. What I can't seem to get are those friends of mine who, when they bounce into town for a quick visit before jetting off to wherever they're living, try to reunite every possible friend in their address book that still lives in the area. Mind you, that's super convenient because you're hitting about ten birds with one stone, but it can result in a gathering that's terribly awkward and what's even worse--boring as all hell.

One particular friend of mine has an awful habit of doing this. She's friends with many people and does a fairly good job of keeping in touch with all of them. Of this group, however, none of us are in contact with each other, and I think we're just fine with that. So, when my friend decided to do a coffee outing with 8-10 of her random assortment of friends, it ended up being quite a dull event in which everyone vied for her attention and then turned to rely on whomever they came with for idle chatter while my friend was occupied with others in the group. Now, if this were a party setting, perhaps it would be slightly more acceptable to be thrown in with a bunch of strangers, since sometimes that's what a party is all about. But when I think of coffee talk, I don't think of lumping all my friends together in one place so I can claim I saw and talked to all of them, almost reminiscent of a speed dating event.

Different strokes for different folks, I suppose, is the only conclusion that comes to mind when trying to understand why my friend's style and my own are so different. And by different strokes for different folks, I mean our personalities and styles are completely different--and you know what? That's just fine by me.

Multicultural Relationships

What's nice about having a significant other who shares your cultural background? A sense of understanding and commonality when it comes to certain topics, like religion, customs, child-rearing philosophies, gender roles, and ease of communication. What's great about being with someone from a different culture? Constant discovery about different ways of thinking and being, which can keep things interesting and "spicy." Working together to overcome cultural differences of opinion or flaws in the lines of communication can also prove good practice at resolving issues in general, while for other multicultural couples it may sink them before they have a chance of floating ahead towards the horizon of marital bliss.

One thing is certain: no matter what cultures people come from and regardless of whether their backgrounds are the same or radically divergent, trust, respect and open communication are the cornerstones of a marriage that has a chance of going anywhere.

The Ex Factor

How many people keep in touch with their exes, and for what reasons? Is it possible to have a platonic relationship with someone you've shared, in many cases, deep romantic and intimate experiences with? How often do people keep in contact with their ex because they hope to rekindle their relationship later on in the future, or in other cases, because they simply can't let go? How many folks just plain cut all their exes off for good? How many people don't keep in touch with their exes because their current significant others don't approve?

Indecent Proposal

Why do some people feel the need to subject themselves to public humiliation? In particular, I'm referring to the guys who decide that it would be a super ingenious idea to propose to their girlfriends at some type of sports stadium. The first time, people probably thought, "Hey! What an original and romantic guy!" Hopefully the gal said yes, which often helps. However, now it's such a cliched way of proposing to someone, thousands of pairs of eyes are on you, you're probably also on national television, so what's to actually like about that kind of proposal?

You can't help feeling bad for the poor schmoes who muster every single ounce of courage to put their dignity on the line in front of a packed crowd, only to be totally rejected and their pride stomped on for the world to see by the would-be fiancee. I have to say, on the one hand, they guy is kind of asking for it with such an inopportune proposal setting. On the other hand, flat-out rejection is never easy to watch if you have any shred of empathy for other people.

Take that as a lesson guys--if there are lots of sweaty men running around trying to score points of some kind, it's probably not the right time to pop the question.

The Gift of Gab

Today I was prepared to be an irate customer. I was woken up at 7 AM by the sound of our power going out...again. This happened one week ago, and has occurred pretty much like clockwork at least once a month, sometimes more. As I groggily dialed our provider's phone number and was waiting on hold, I thought back to the rather unfriendly customer service rep I had spoken to a week earlier who had instructed me to call back during regular hours and speak to a supervisor for more information on our frequent blackout situation. Boy, was I ready for a spat.

Imagine my surprise (and delight) when a cheery voice greeted me on the other end of the line. I grouchily asked right away to speak to a supervisor, as I had been directed to do. I was told in an even friendlier tone than before that Ms. Cheery Voice would be more than happy to handle my issue herself. Even after a few moments, I could tell that this person was in no way like the Crabby Appleton I had spoken to on the phone the previous weekend. Within minutes I was like putty in her hands. Not only did she register our complaint and forward it for further investigation (with a confirmation number and all), she turned what could have been a dreary start to the day into a pleasant beginning. We even discussed our weekends to fill the silence as she was filling in the form.

I like having these experiences because they remind me that there are clearly still people out there who appreciate good customer service and know exactly how to deliver it.

Interesting WaPo Article About Marriage

Would you imagine that couples who divorce and those whose marriages maintain continued longevity through old age disagree more or less the same amount?

Would you guess that almost three quarters of marital disagreements are unresolvable for the average couple?

According to Dr. John Gottman, a world renowned researcher on the subject of marriage and divorce, and a Washington Post article I read called "The Marriage Myth," all of the above is what the statistics show. What's the key to marital bliss, besides taking marriage education courses touted by the article? Communication, especially the listening portion of it (a.k.a. the part most people want to fast forward through during an argument so they can say their piece and revel in the sound of their own voice).

This particular finding is not a revelation, but like many things, listening is something so simple that simultaneously proves challenging to put into practice at times in the heat of the moment. Listening is a delicate art, and one that will bring much interpersonal success to those who execute it well. Obviously any balanced conversation involves taking turns and allowing everyone to say their piece, if they so desire. However, there are many different levels of hearing what people have to say, and the more accurately and attentively one listens, the more people will gravitate toward that individual and hopefully want to reciprocate. In a romantic relationship, listening is key to understanding what your partner wants or needs, and the better you're able to repeat back to them what they're trying to say, the better your chances are of at least coming to mutual respect and understanding, even if agreement is out of the question.

Draw your own conclusions:

The Marriage Myth: Why do so many couples divorce? Maybe they just don't know how to be married.

First Thought of the Day

Our walls are a bit too thin for my liking. Discovered today that our neighbors are loud enough in their bedroom antics to wake us out of a deep slumber (at quarter to 7). On the one hand, good for them! I'm glad to know morning breath doesn't keep them from doing what they seem to do best. On the other hand, time to shower off the dirty noises echoing around in my ears.

Don't Look Behind You! Oh, It's Just Your Past...

For some reason, lately a lot of my "Facebook friends" (and I use the term "friend" here loosely) have been posting advice, quotes, and the like detailing the importance of not looking behind you (presumably referring to your past, not the creepy guy standing behind you) when entering a new relationship. There are merits to this type of advice, as well as huge errors, in my book.

True, past bad experiences of the romantic persuasion can distract someone who's starting afresh with a new beau. Just because Person A was a dud in terms of compatibility doesn't necessarily mean that Person B will be. Paranoia and scars from the past can come back to haunt you in your current relationship and kill even the most promising of fledgling courtships.

Be that as it may, wouldn't it be silly to ignore vital information and experiences acquired through painful past experiences? Sometimes a bit of healthy skepticism or distance can give one the mental and emotional space to calmly analyze one's current romantic situation. Past experiences also provide clues or information that one may recognize more quickly in the present than if one had not experienced a particular pitfall in one's own life.

To summarize, as interpreted by Frankenstein: emotional baggage, baaad. Thoughtful analysis of past experiences leading to heightened awareness and understanding, goood.

MYOB!

One thing that's fascinating on an interpersonal and societal level is meddling. We all do it, whether consciously or unconsciously. Thrusting ourselves into "other people's business" can bring helpful or disastrous results. Who even gets to define what qualifies as "other people's business"? Usually, the definition is clarified after it's too late and the damage is done or the successful outcomes have prevailed.

Most often, meddling is not seen as anything negative by the party participating in the meddling. The recipients often do not agree and see it as unwanted. What actually constitutes not minding your own business? Obviously, meddling is completely contextual. It depends on the people involved, personal opinions of propriety, subjective morals, and the specific circumstances of the situation before one can comfortably (and sometimes uncomfortably) make the call about whether to get involved or not.

When parents try to influence your decisions about what vendors to use at your wedding, or what colors schemes match best, is that meddling or just giving a strong opinion? Does it make a difference if they're helping to pay for the wedding or not? If you know painful information about a loved one's romantic relationship that they're not aware of, should you tell them or let them remain oblivious? If you hear strangers carrying on a conversation about where to eat in your neighborhood and they seem unsure, is it acceptable to enter their conversation and mention a few places to them? What I love about these examples (and a host more) is that they are so variable depending on your personality and your personal code of ethics. For example, parents trying to influence my decisions about my own wedding would be meddling if they are really trying to exert their will and won't take no for an answer (luckily for me this is not a real-life example). Recommending a restaurant to a few strangers after apologizing for overhearing their conversation would, in general, be fine for me. And the second case would completely depend on who the loved one is, what the painful information consists of, and what the immediate and long-term consequences would be to him or her, me, and our relationship upon telling that person.

Those are my thoughts, but I guarantee I could find a small army of people who would disagree with me, and that's just fine. What probably makes the most sense is to try and have as much tact and respect for people and their personal decisions as possible--not that I'm saying that's easy if you fundamentally don't agree with what they're doing. However, with that "philosophy" in mind, it will be hard to overstep boundaries or be accused of sticking your nose where it doesn't belong.